I am notoriously nostalgic. At any given point in my day – I can be found reflecting on mistakes from yesterday, reviewing regrets from last month, or missing moments from years ago. It’s brutal. I’ll catch myself, snap out of it and somehow function throughout the day. The reel that so often plays in my head, it not only distracts and disables me from being in the present – but emotionally makes me relive times I have already endured. Some good, some bad, some even exaggerated from what actually truly transpired. Imagine doom-scrolling through memories in your head and you have a sense of what I go through daily.

My first-born son Ishaan is applying for colleges right now. He’s a senior in high school, already completed his college standardized admissions tests (SAT & ACT), and is essentially starting to work through the Common App, apply for scholarships, and narrow down some possible majors he may be interested in pursuing. Through hard work with some God-given intelligence and talent, he has accomplished being captain of his school’s tennis team, co-founded several clubs, kept his GPA up while taking (and passing) 13 AP courses, officially completed the math and reading Kumon curriculum, and was recently announced a National Merit semi-finalist.

I remember coming home from my residency program, and helping a kindergarten version of this same kid learn to write his letters. He had an imagination that had him being a school car-line attendant one day, and a Transformer the next. To this day, he still battles Beyblades with his younger brother, crushes his family at Catan, and plays pickleball and tennis every chance he gets. I cannot believe the same kid that (in his teens mind you) once left the house without shoes or sandals on, is well on his way to being a high school graduate!

Ishaan is seriously enthusiastic about everything. He never says “no” to anything or anyone. Except corn, he hates corn for some strange reason. I love that about him, he certainly squeezes every drop out of his life that he can. In a lot of respects, he is your typical teenager – consumed by his phone, horribly dietary choices and hygiene habits; but when he busts out a random ‘bagel’ or ‘boba’ dance, you often get to see that beautiful innocence and youthful spirit of his come through. I love that he lives his life with so much fervor, it makes him fun to be around and it is one of the qualities I’ll miss most when he goes!

You will never have this day with your children again. Tomorrow they’ll be a little older than they were today. This day is a gift.”
— Melia Keeton-Digby

When Ishaan was about a week old, I remember taking him to the OB/GYN’s office for a wellness check. As I was walking into the waiting area, I vividly remember a woman telling me to “cherish this time with him, they grow up so fast.” That really stuck with me! I am so blessed that, while I did (and still do) work a decent amount – I had ample time to watch both my kids grow up. The paradox though is why do I feel like it just happened so quickly? Time just flies when you’re a parent. Something that always wrecks me is the social media pages that remind you this may be the “one day you will pick up your child and set them down for the very last time without even realizing it.”

I do not know what the future has in store for Ishaan. As a family, we have to weigh tuition costs against name recognition of the school, and factor in that he still does not quite know what he wants to pursue. Our local university is ‘ick’ or ‘cringe’ as kids these days may say – so, hopefully he chooses to go somewhere else. Not that I wouldn’t miss him dearly, not that I wouldn’t love seeing four more years of his bagel dance; he’s just an amazingly awesome individual and I think he’s capable of something far better.

Ishaan recently passed his driving test and drove himself to school for the very first time! Before that, I had the pleasure of dropping him off every morning. We listen to about 3 or 4 songs together, wish each other a good day, and I let him take his tennis bag and backpack out of the trunk and watch him make his way to his first period class. Now, that too may be a fleeting moment for me!

I find myself counting down the days until Ishaan’s graduation ceremony, until his college acceptance letter comes in, and until we drive him out to his dorm – wherever that may be. I feel like, rather than being melancholy and dreading those upcoming events, my time is probably better spent focusing on appreciating the moments I get to spend with him now. Who knows, maybe I’ll try and go lift him for the last time and pray that my back doesn’t give out on me!

Don’t get me wrong though, I have some serious concerns about Ishaan’s survival skills! So far, his idea of ‘cooking for himself’ constitutes him pulling and pouring a big bowl of cereal out of the pantry. He can solve complex Calculus problems, but somehow doing a load of laundry eludes him. Either he’s banking on Optimus or one of these other autonomous robots to do a lot of his daily chores, or he fully believes his mom is moving in to the dorms with him.

Thank you for reading this post! I need to write more often, it helps me unpack my emotions about things and I hope someone out there connects and relates to some of what I say! Be well, and be sure to enjoy the precious time with your kids and loved ones!