I am now 47 years old. Do not get me wrong, I am seriously blessed in life. Outside of lacking a white picket fence, I have the stereotypical American dream life—consisting of homeownership, 2.5 kids (if you count Cosmo, our dog), and some financial stability. I do get a little superstitious with saying such things aloud, but I don’t know how else to give credence to the life I’ve been given and/or built for myself. Although, my chronological age already has me past the halfway mark of an average male life expectancy in the U.S., which is (as of this post) seventy-six and a half years old.

The older I become, the more I find myself panicking about my fleeting years of life. It’s unsettling. Deep down, I don’t think any of us know why we were put here in the first place. I envy people who have the assuredness that spirituality and religion offer them. I envy people with a sense of purpose, goals, and dreams they have yet to aspire to. I envy people who can appreciate the moment, block out noise, and can be present in the here and now.

The last several months of unemployment have been rather peculiar. It’s a rare, transitory period I think a lot of people wish they were given. I had ample time to read, play with our dog, exercise, and best of all—enjoy time with my family. I dropped my kids off AND picked them up from school, without the hurriedness of having to rush to work right before or after. It was quite pleasant, but I was plagued with a weird feeling of guilt that I was not productive, and that I should be striving to do more with my time.

“We are all floating in a tremendous river and the river carries you along. Some of the people in the river are swimming against the current, but they are still being carried along. Others have learned that the art of the thing is to swim with it. You have to flow with the river. There is no other way.” ~ Alan Watts

It is crazy to me that we live in a country and a culture where we are wired and programmed to think this way. For two months, I went stir crazy. Don’t get me wrong, so much of that free time was enjoyable, cathartic, and special for all the reasons I listed above. But while my kids were at school and my wife was at work—and there are only so many times I can play fetch with Cosmo—what then? I had a brief glimpse of what retirement might feel like, and I kind of lost my sense of self. I don’t feel like I am ‘only’ a pediatric dentist, but I certainly feel like it helps me 1) interact with others and 2) deliver a service that contributes to the community.

It is a weird ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’ kind of conundrum. When we work, we typically look forward to the time off, be it the weekend, a vacation, retirement, etc. While there are very many stressful things about my job, I genuinely like the profession I practice. Now that I’m working part-time, I feel some contentment toward having some semblance of productivity in my day and some well-deserved off-days I ‘treat’ myself to. My income is far less than I used to make, but I feel like I’m in the sweet spot of work-life balance.

Inevitably, my kids will leave for college and/or go off and start lives of their own. Inevitably, my body will be too fatigued to comfortably practice pediatric dentistry any longer. Cosmo may even tire of playing fetch with his owner. I think it will behoove me to start doing some soul-searching now to find out what other activities, hobbies, volunteering and charitable efforts, and pastimes I can partake in. Regardless, I think I need to spend some time learning to relax and unwind, and feel like it is okay to not have something to do.

Funny enough, and as a slightly related side story here: in my newfound free time these past couple of months, I started playing pickleball regularly. I’d attend some open play sessions in the mornings; it helped scratch the ‘socializing’ itch for the day, got some good cardio in, and filled the time rather nicely. Well, about three weeks ago, I tore my calf muscle playing. I was in such excruciating pain and basically had to be on crutches for my first few days back to work—just my luck. I am finally nearing a point, after weeks of anti-inflammatories, braces, and limping everywhere, that I can walk normally again. Doctor’s orders, I still have to give it another three weeks of rehab before I try to play again, but I’ll likely have some PTSD if and when I step foot on the courts again!

Posts like this come off a little pompous and insensitive to me, so my apologies. Literally, people are starving, people work two and three jobs to make ends meet, and here I am whining about not being able to fully enjoy some downtime in between jobs. I listen to a lot of YouTube videos of the author I cited above, Alan Watts (although I’m sure many of them are AI-generated with his voice), which I find profound and insightful. If any of what I said resonates, it might be worth listening to some of his content as well. Thank you so much for reading this post, and Happy Mother’s Day to everyone!